The Child, The Adult, and The Parent
‘Treat all children as grown-ups and treat all grown-ups as children!’
That was the advice that was given to a young facilitator on the eve of working with his first Board of Directors. Was it good advice, or bad?
And would it work as a management philosophy – or as a way to influence people?
CS Lewis had a view on this: ‘When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly.’ He went on to say that being childlike or acting like the grown-ups you see around you, is not about the number of years you have clocked up, but about emotion, situation and choice – sometimes a good choice, sometimes a poor one.
If you sit in a Board Meeting, a Teams meeting or a management 1:1, you will see these choices being made – rightly or wrongly.
Because our past, influences our behaviour today.
From a young age, we have been taught how to interact with others, from those parent figures, we once looked up to. We would respond as a Child, based on how we felt at the time, or use a behaviour that mimicked our Parent, or eventually, as we move forward in life and make our own conscious decisions on how to interact with people, in an Adult way. Parent – Adult – Child; three behaviour states, first defined by the brilliant and perceptive psychiatrist Thomas Harris, in his Transactional Analysis Theory.
Let’s dive deeper into these three influences.
The Child state can be caring, affectionate, imaginative and fun, as well as self-centred and disinclined to take responsibility and was defined by our response to parental input. If they were harsh, this can lead to a Compliant state, where we bend to their will, and if seeing others praised more than us, we seek to put other’s needs ahead of our own; or be petulant and insular. If the parent figures were cossetting, this can lead to a Clingy mindset, constantly seeking approval, to almost addictive levels. The Child in us can produce a number of behaviours, for example:
- Over-emotional, showing excessive anger, disappointment, frustration – or joy
- Feel things are unfair, without addressing it in an appropriate assertive manner
- Can be naïve, too trusting, too easily prepared to be confused – and ‘just not get it’
- Failure to take responsibility, makes excuses, blames circumstance, less dependable
However, they are also:
- Creative, imaginative, experimental, spontaneous – can be prepared to be flexible, give it a go
- Good fun – prepared to dance, sing or laugh like no one is looking
The Parent state is our attempt to copy the Caring or Critical behaviours we saw in our ‘parent’ figures. It is a controlling behaviour laced with expectation – but often with others’ best interests at heart. It can be directive or over coddling, but inherent in this behaviour is feeling of entitlement – an innate authority that should be respected. The issue is if others don’t see it that way and conflict arises. The Parent in us can produce a number of behaviours, for example:
- Talking down to people, condescending, tell them ‘what they think’ and say ‘should’ too much
- Judgemental, rigid, over-protective of previous ways of doing things
- Believe in punitive measures and blame when they believe that someone deserves it
- Or over-protective of those they believe they should ‘care for’
However,
- They have values, self control and believe in maintaining societal standards and norms
- They can be loving, compassionate, concerned for others and ‘umbrella’ their team from pressure
In the Adult state, we respond rationally, rather than emotionally to situations. Our behaviour is based on respect for ourselves and for others. We are factual, non-controlling, non-needy and have made our own decisions as an independent Adult on how to get the best out of conversations and interactions. It is a learned skill and a practised behaviour – and one that we can fall out of very easily, if we let instinct and emotions take over at the wrong time. The Adult in us can produce a number of behaviours, for example:
- Handling conflict and having robust debate without damaging the emotions of self or others
- Self awareness – recognising our own inner child and pervasive parent
- Healthy, well defined boundaries, building good, but not inappropriate professional relationships
- Interacting and collaborating in a positive, productive, friendly, progressive way
However, they are also:
- More logical than inspirational
- And not such fun at parties!
The importance of being aware of whether we are in Child, Parent or Adult mode, is it can affect our mental health and also the success of interactions with other people, and therefore our success in the workplace.
We are taught how to react behaviourally and respond emotionally, but not how to respond rationally. Even at work, we instinctively play the Parent-Child game. However, success comes from playing the role of an Adult, which takes skill and training.
As a Direct Report in Child mode, we tend to want to feel appreciated by our own Managers. To get in their good books, we either comply with their requests or try to prove ourselves to them; but feel upset, resentful, defiant or guilty, if we do not get their appreciation.
In Parent mode, we are in danger of being condescending, patronising, too commanding, lacking collaboration or hurt when our own perceived authority is not respected.
Whereas in Adult mode, we are better able to understand the needs of others, whilst also protecting and progressing our own. We avoid unhelpful emotional entanglement and manage our own emotional reactions to others’ behaviours. And also, by acting in the Adult, it encourages others to act like that too. A real Win:Win.
Our Parent-Adult-Child influences affect our mood, which in turn affects our behaviour and how we interact with others. We cannot easily change how we feel, but we can change our behaviour towards others. By knowing ourselves better, we become more self-aware – enabling us to interact with others in the way we choose.
Don’t lose the fun, affection and adventure of being a Child, nor the moral code and high expectations of the Parent, but drive professional relationships by being the rational, factual, balanced, ambitious Adult – that way you win all round!
Concept Credit: Based on Thomas Harris’s and Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis Theory